There Is No “Right Way” to Be a Widow

One of the hardest parts of widowhood, isn’t only the loss itself; it's the unspoken expectations that follow.

Many widows are told, directly or indirectly, how they should feel.

- Be strong.

- Be devastated.

- Be grateful for the time you had.

- Be patient.

- Be moving on by now.

- Be anything… except exactly where you are.

The truth is this: grief is not a template. It is deeply personal and shaped by the woman, the marriage, and the unique dynamic of the relationship.

Some widows lose a deeply loving, supportive partner, a best friend, protector, or emotional anchor. Their grief may feel like the ground has disappeared beneath them.

Others leave marriages that were complicated, distant, emotionally unsafe, or even abusive. For these women, loss may come mixed with relief, safety, or peace — emotions that are often followed by intense guilt and shame for not grieving “the right way.”

Both experiences are valid.

There are also many forms of widowhood that don’t fit the traditional narrative:

- Sudden or traumatic loss

- Suicide or overdose

- Long-term illness and caregiving exhaustion

- Estrangement or separation before death

- Financial collapse after loss

- Loss of identity, safety, or future plans

- Becoming a single mother overnight

- Losing community, friends, or family support along with a spouse

Each of these creates a different emotional landscape. Some widows cry daily. Some feel numb. Some feel anger. Some feel calm. Some feel lost. Some feel free, and then ashamed for feeling that way.

- None of these responses mean you loved less.

- None mean you’re broken.

- None mean you’re grieving incorrectly.

Grief does not follow a straight line, a timeline, or a checklist. It doesn’t respond well to pressure, comparison, or judgment — especially from those who have never lived it.

What does matter is this:

- You are allowed to grieve in your own way, at your own pace, for as long as it takes.

- You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how your heart responds to loss.

- You don’t have to perform grief to make others comfortable.

- And you don’t have to feel guilty for moments of relief, safety, or peace.

Widowhood is not one story. It is many stories — and yours deserves space, compassion, and respect.

Wherever you are today… you are not wrong. I see you.

With love,

Ingrid @ Calla Lily

New Widow Support